The
Human Race Is Doomed
Here are some words that describe actual
things people do. Don't deny it; you know you've done at least 2
of these.
- AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa
deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
- CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet
u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a
string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
- DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the
floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
'remove' all the germs.
- ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The
actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a
movie theater or on a air plane.
- FRUST (frust) n. The small
line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan
and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
- LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to
man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one
has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
- PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The
waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to
be walking around asking diners if they want ground
pepper.
- PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting
whom you were calling just as they answer.
- PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The
moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its
nose to it.
- TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras
tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring
at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.
In case you needed further proof that
the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
This "proof" was taken from an email forward
originally named "Precious Gems."
Back